sarah beth had a difficult night last night into
this morning. she had longer periods of apnea
followed by more labored breathing. later in the
morning, though, her breathing returned to the
more steady, although rapid, rate. she slept most
of the day again today, and tonight had a short
period of time when her eyes were open. she didn't
really seem to follow anyone with her eyes
tonight, though. but that didn't keep us from
talking to her. (we talk to her whether her eyes
are open or not. just because she can't respond
with words doesn't mean she can't hear ours.) make
the most of every opportunity, right? we reassure
her of our love for her, of our presence with her,
of the prayers that are being spoken to the Lord
for her. and we just include her in whatever
conversation happens to be going on in her room at
the time. time with sarah beth, both when she's
awake and when she's asleep, is giving our family
so many opportunities to love and care for each
other. and so many chances to talk this through -
talk about sarah beth's life, share memories, cry
if needed and laugh quite a bit together. we
talked awhile today about some comments we had
heard from people who wonder how in the world we
are going through this the way we are. and the
only explanation we have is that we are holding on
to our faith in God. that may seem too simple to
some, maybe even ridiculous. but it's true. the
Lord has brought us through enough things in our
lives, individually and as a family, for us to
think it's any other way. kathleen said it well -
"you just take what life gives you and you deal
with it." it's not a matter of what's fair or
unfair. it's not about who deserves what. this
world is not perfect. and life happens. we can
either let it roll over us or we can stand and
fight. walk through it. in sarah beth's case these
past 5 years, she hasn't always felt like pushing
through - she's had some pretty hard times
emotionally. but she has stood to face it, relying
on God's strength and not her own. and believe me
when i say, that is what our family is doing now.
we are not perfect. we are not strong enough to do
this on our own. by ourselves, facing the death of
our sweet sarah beth, we would have crumbled long
ago. fortunately we are not on our own. we have
Jesus Christ and His strength, and God's power
available to us. power that raised Christ from the
dead. we realize that we will grieve. we are
grieving now. but we keep in mind the hope that we
have that even with the finality of her last
breath on this planet, as Christians, we have the
promise of heaven. we will stand before God, and
maybe even right next to sarah beth, to worship
Him face to face. death doesn't win. Jesus already
won.

from sarah beth, january 2009
"I can promise you that He doesn't leave us. He is
there the entire time. Sometimes it's hard to
believe that when we don't "feel" His presence,
but that is where faith comes in. Faith is being
sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do
not see...and without faith it is impossible to
please God, because anyone who believes in Him
must believe that he exists and that he rewards
those who earnestly seek Him. (Heb. 11:1,6) So, if
we have faith, believe that the word of God is
God-breathed, then we can have hope no matter what
circumstance we find ourselves in."

"Let's pray and encourage our brothers and sisters
in Christ to live boldly for God. Encourage one
another in love when we are going through trials.
Use your spiritual gift that the Lord has given
you to encourage those around you. I have no idea
who reads this, but know that I pray for you and
have hope that you have given yourself to the Lord
Jesus. There is nothing more secure and never will
there be anything more secure than a relationship
with God the Father, God the Son and the Holy
Spirit."
================================

thank you for your faithfulness to pray for sarah
beth and for our family. we are loving you dearly.
and we know that sarah does too.

leigh ann

from sarah beth, september 2007:
"The peace the Lord has given me has been one of
those “beyond words” experiences. The love that is
surrounding me by my family, friends and church
family is by far one of the most humbling and
gracious gifts that the Lord has given me. I
certainly do not deserve such love, but am
thankful none the less that I am surrounded by
it."

then and now, sarah beth is surrounded by love.
and we are praying for her peace. she is working
very hard to breathe, without much physical reward
for her effort. she is asleep. today, her eyes
opened up a little now and then for a second or
two when one of us was talking to her, but for the
most part she is sleeping. we love her so. and our
heart's desire would be that the Lord would heal
her body on this earth so that she could stay with
us. so that we could watch her live out all of the
dreams she had for her life before the day she
found a lump in her breast. but she gave up her
dreams for herself in exchange for God's dreams
for her a long time ago. and since it does not
look as though it is the Lord's plan for sarah to
live on here, our prayer has been that He would
grant her peace, ease her suffering and let her
come to Him. to begin REAL life. to look into the
face of Jesus and know that what she has
surrendered for His glory was not wasted. because
her efforts for the Lord are NOT wasted. they have
produced (and are still producing) much fruit for
Him. she has let Him make use of her life in the
way He saw fit - in the ways that would mean the
most for His kingdom.

i want to share with you a portion of a message
greg and i received tonight from a dear friend. he
said, "God IS the Grand Weaver. He has a
beautiful, amazing, wonderful, AWEsome tapestry
designed that is our lives. And even if we never
get to see it, EVEN if no one recognizes it, we
know it IS good and for His glory. But it's great
when God does decide to reveal to us a piece of
the tapestry, to see the wonderful colors and
design that He has made--when we focus in on one
section we remember that part did NOT look like it
could ever be something beautiful, but now seeing
and trusting then that it would be--because HE is
GOD."

who but Almighty God could take cancer and bring
beauty from it? NONE but God. we can trade in the
ugliness and hurt this life hands to us and He
will hand it back to us, having made it beautiful
instead. sarah beth yielded her life to the will
of God, not sure of what it would hold for her.
the beauty He has brought from her surrendered
life has been handed back to her as He has grown
her into an even more amazing woman of God than
she was when she began this journey. it's been
handed to us as we've watched her grow in Him and
as we've been, and are, privileged to make this
journey with her. He continues to bring beauty
from her life as He uses her to impact so many,
even in her last hours. beauty for ashes.
Isaiah 61:3
"and provide for those who grieve in Zion...to
bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of
despair."

we are trusting in God to prove faithful in His
care for sarah beth. and trusting Him for the
grace to walk through what is coming - the same
grace He's given us throughout our entire lives as
His own. i've said it before but it bears
repeating - He will not leave us to do this alone.

continue in prayer. thank you so, so much.
leigh ann

sarah beth spent most of today asleep. she seems
to be relaxed and comfortable except for an
occasional sign that she is feeling some pain,
which is answered with help from a smaller, extra
dose from her pain medicine pump. mark and
kathleen were able to get a little bit of much
needed rest today, which is a blessing for them
and for the rest of us, who are concerned over the
minimal sleep they are able to get. our family
continues to stay with sarah beth, if not at her
bedside, we are somewhere near. her visitors are
being kept to family only, in an effort to keep
her surroundings as peaceful as possible. she
truly does deserve the calm. she has fought this
cancer for a long time, continues to fight daily -
she is working hard - and this is the very least
we can do for her.

for a brief time tonight, she opened her eyes
again. this has to be a huge effort for her. and i
will tell you, it is not without reward - it
brings the room to life! we talk to her and touch
her while she is sleeping, hoping she will hear.
but when she's awake, we make sure to tell her
what we need to say. we remind her that we love
her, of how brave she is, of how many are praying
for her. so many things. she is unable to reply
with her words, which has to be unbelievably
frustrating to her, but she is still able to give
us a blink or a raised eyebrow. she's in there.
and we are so thrilled and aware of the blessing
of these moments.

sarah beth's dear friend lorri reminded us of a
post from sarah in the spring 2 years ago. i want
to share that here for you to see. (thank you
lorri!)

==================================
"When I start to think about all those in the
Bible who suffered for and in the name of Jesus,
it also helps to reshape my thinking. Sometimes
it's hard to transform your mind, but Scripture
calls for us to do just that. Ultimately I don't
care what happens to my flesh, because my flesh is
only temporary, but my soul will live forever. I
guess what I'm trying to say is that even though
it's getting harder, I don't want to give up. I
will keep fighting and hopefully my life will be a
reflection of the One whose heart I desire the
most."
===================================

it has been, and it still is, sweet girl.


thank you for holding us all in prayer.
leigh ann

sarah beth began her friday like she ended her
thursday. kathleen said sarah had a rough night-
had some severe coughing spells that were hard on
her. she slept most of the morning but after her
bath she opened her eyes. kept them open for quite
a while. we aren't sure how focused her vision is
at this point, but she did follow us with her eyes
at times, especially her mom, dad and brothers. it
was wonderful to see her beautiful eyes, even
tired and worn as they are appearing. julie and
hutch had their little ones there for a bit today.
kathleen asked sarah if she'd like to see the
babies and to that, she gave one definite hard
blink. so in the babies and gracie came, gracie
singing her abc's and "the sun'll come out
tomorrow.." for aunt sarah beth. so sarah, though
not able to talk right now, was still
communicating with us in the ways that she could
manage. we even saw a raised eyebrow a time or
two. the indicators of her physical decline are
still present. but this extended time of
wakefulness and a few others like it gave us
moments of joy. there were more smiles in that
room today. God gave this to us. He is the giver
of every good and perfect gift (james 1:17 says
so) and this was a good, good gift.
your prayers continue to mean everything to us
all. thank you.
leigh ann

==========================================

"You know, this hasn't been the easiest walk of
life, but it's the only one I want...one that is
completely sacrficed for the will of the Lord
Jesus Christ.
Thank you for all your prayers and kindness
towards me and my family. May God bless you for
your graciousness." - sarah beth, august 12, 2008

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful
trial you are suffering, as though something
stange were happening to you, but rejoice that you
participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that
you may be overjoyed when his glory is
revealed.....So then, those who suffer according
to God's will should commit themselves to their
faithful Creator and continue to do good." I Peter
4:12-13,19
====================================

mark called us a little before 5 this morning to
say that sarah beth's breathing had changed,
becoming more labored. our family again spent the
day at her bedside. her pain is well controlled.
she has had a fever today. she had brief moments
of (very groggy) wakefulness earlier in the day
and was able to speak about how she was feeling.
as the day went on that was no longer the case.
sarah beth is no longer responding to us. i do not
want to describe all of the signs her body is
giving that tell us she is leaving us. but the
time appears to be very near. each of us have been
able today to be with sarah. these moments have
been precious. so precious.

to be honest, those are words that i never
expected to be typing. i'm not the only one - a
few of us spoke of this today when we were
together. we have fully expected the Lord to come
in and fix sarah beth. to heal her here on earth.
to do something "big"...but i've been thinking for
some time now that God's idea of "big" and mine
are often very different. it becomes more and more
obvious that the Lord has been doing something
bigger than we could even imagine with His willing
sarah beth for years now. told her the other day
that she has done more work in Jesus' name while
lying in a hospital bed lately than many people
have done their whole lives. that's being shown in
the number of emails that you are sending to share
what sarah's cancer journey and faith in God have
done in your hearts and lives. now i will not stop
watching for God to heal her until i know that she
has drawn her last breath. He is able. for many of
us our prayer has been that if He does not plan to
heal her physical body that He would let her have
peace soon. that He would allow her to be finished
with her work and be done with her current
suffering. even so, we trust Him and trust His
timing, even when we have no idea what could
possibly be worth what she's enduring. but the
Lord is GOOD. psalm 106:1 says "Praise the LORD.
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love
endures forever."

from sarah beth, august 13, 2005:

"God has stripped me to the core and is molding
and shaping me according to His purposes. I have
to say this has been the hardest trial I have
experienced here on this earthly life (except for
my grandmothers tragic death in 96), but I am
learning how to be "held" in Christ. I learned
something today in a conference that I am
attending. "You will respond to any storm the way
you have been trained." I am so thankful for my
relationship with Jesus and to know that by His
word, I have been and am learning how to walk a
life like Christ. Believe me, during trials, it is
very hard to trust Christ. We will experience
trials at some point during our life here on earth
that will shake us and test our faith. There are
times when it is all we can do to "stay above the
water". I know....I wouldn't have made it had it
not been for the countless people praying on my
behalf. I can't express my gratitude for all of
your support, but please know from the bottom of
my heart that I am very thankful."

we are very thankful too. with all our hearts.
with our love,
leigh ann